i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
