dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Randomize
