The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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