: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Come share oat with me in your robe
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
