you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
