Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
