Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
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