oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Drake has all the answers
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
