Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
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