we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
