he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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