apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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