Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
