You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
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