He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
