I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
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