Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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