come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Randomize
