You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
