you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
