a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
