Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
