My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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