it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
