We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
