He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
