my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
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