My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
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