Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
