We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
