I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Randomize
