Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Randomize
