anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
