I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
