Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
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