Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
