Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.