I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....