your parents love me but you hate me
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Randomize
