this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
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I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
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There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
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