I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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