Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
