Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
you guys were way drunker than both of me
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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