I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
