I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
