MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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