3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
