WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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