yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
