there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
