I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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