I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
