Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
