There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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