i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
